I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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