I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
