i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
