Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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