My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
