dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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