can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
