I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
