he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
foreskin is a definite game changer
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
