soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
