It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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