I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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