Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
