it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
