Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
