It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
