i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
