As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
