Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
