did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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