Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
