We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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