as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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