12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
