I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
