Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
