The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
