im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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