Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i think i have two assholes
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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