Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
