i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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