Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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