Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
