I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
