He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
