Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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