im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
