I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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