no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
