Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
