If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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