3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
