every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
