By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
