he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
