Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
