I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's never too late to be topless.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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