I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
