It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
