For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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