New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
